Yes I’m bald. I have been from some time now, and I know I have already written about shaving my head. But today I felt empowered rocking my baldness for the whole world to see. So I wanted to share that good positive energy with all of you.
It was so hot today. It is October 14th and yet it was 75 degrees in Boston. Some were jumping for joy, but now that I’m officially in fall mode, I don’t accept this warm weather unless I happen to be in the state of Florida. I clearly didn’t check the weather this morning before I walked out the door. Proof of that being the fact that I went to the hospital dressed in leggings, boots, a plaid button down and my favorite black crocheted beanie. Oh my goodness, as soon as I stepped out of the car I was sweating. And if you add the mask, I was sweltering. I immediately shed the beanie. Definitely forgot to put sunscreen on my head, but can’t win them all, right? Plus not like I was planning on going sans beanie, I usually wear them because my head gets super cold. When I was walking into the hospital I saw this woman who definitely appeared to be battling some sort of cancer, but the most striking thing to me was the wig she was wearing. It fit awkwardly and it was very clearly not her hair. My heart sank a little. For me, wigs were never an option. They carry a lot of bacteria (ew), so they’re off limits for BMT patients, but they also look so uncomfortable and itchy. I have plenty of beautiful scarves and beanies to wear, but I wear these for two purposes, well sometimes three. The first is the fact that my head gets cold; plain and simple. You don’t realize how much your hair insulates your head until you don’t have it anymore. The second reason being that a lot of my scarves are fashion statements. I coordinate them with my outfits, and they bring a little chemo chic to whatever I may be wearing. And the third is sometimes I cover my head so I don’t scare kids. No joke- but I’ll elaborate. It’s not that I’m trying to hide what I look like, but I often FaceTime with some of the kiddos I used to work with, and you can’t really explain to a 2 or 3 year old that Lauren has cancer and that’s why she has no hair. Granted a lot of them look at me like they know it’s me, but they also are so smart, and know something is different. And then they give me the priceless look of, why are you wearing that hat? One of the many reasons I love and miss these children.
Any other time, I’m perfectly content being bald. I wasn’t always like this. When I shaved my head it took almost 3 weeks for my hair to fall out from the chemo. Talk about a waiting game. It was growing out and becoming itchy and I just wanted it to go away because I was mentally prepared for it. Once it started coming out, it really started being itchy and I seemingly left a trail on every surface. On about the third day that it was covering everything and everywhere, I finally stood over my bathroom sink in my hospital room and massaged my head until it was all completely gone. I did have little strands here and there that seemed to want to stay (my arm hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes didn’t completely come out either- just thinned). But I was finally bald. It felt satisfying; I was very happy and content. Or I thought I was. On the surface I was relieved it was finally over, but then I would catch myself not going out of my room without a beanie or scarf even if I was hot. Or I would find myself automatically putting on some type of coverage every time a doctor or nurse came into my room. I mean they see all of their patients bald, and I was happy it was over with. What was the problem?
I think even though I was content with it personally and proud of myself when I looked in the mirror, I was still scared or nervous of how other people would react to me. I remember back to this time a few months back when I was shopping in TJ Maxx. I saw this beautiful woman with her two children shopping, and she was completely bald. I definitely kept staring at her way more than I should have, but I was trying to see how other people were reacting to her. Either people looked away because I think they felt uncomfortable, or people went out of their way to smile and make eye contact with her, in a way of acknowledging what she must be going through. And I notice the same thing happening to me. I think I prefer the smiles, but at the same time, why does everyone have such a strong reaction to seeing a bald head? Especially a woman? I think it’s because it is difficult to see someone without hair. It is a tell tale sign of cancer that we all know, and you can only imagine what they must be going through, unless you’ve been through that same struggle. When I was in the hospital, I finally made it to that day when I decided for my usual post-shower walk, I was going to go full on bald. I think this was the environment to do it with, because not only is every other patient on the floor in the same boat as you, but your doctors and nurses treat you the exact same. They’re not shocked or feeling like they need to overcompensate.
What I’ve come to realize in this whole thing is that despite all the cancer awareness and acceptance, I think baldness is still a really sensitive subject. A lot of people don’t know how to react and struggle with it. Maybe it’s because we don’t see enough baldies rocking their heads. But my thought is that as a cancer patient, your baldness is a true, direct testament to what you’re going through; the struggles that you are enduring. It should be worn with pride and you should never feel embarrassed or ashamed. Granted I look forward to that day when I can get my first post-chemo haircut, but until then I’m going to embrace this power I feel. If you got it, flaunt it. Plus I think we really can get Bald Is The New Black trending, don’t you think?
Keeping My Light 